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Sunday, February 19, 2006

Explicit

I really do want to die, or at least feel like I am. I just want to see myself break up and disperse into a million little pieces. I don't actually want to die, I just want the pain to go away. God always seems to throw the worst times when your having the best.
My grandmother nearly passed out in church today, and was hauled to the hospital in Yakima because of a "heart condition". I know that my mom is being affected by that and will cause stress on her. It obviously showed up on my dad's face when I got home. My car is breaking down, and overheated many times as I was trying and praying to get home alright. Of course when I did get home I was greeted by my dad complaining why I didn't keep the fires going. This is why I hate fireplaces so fucking much. I'm sorry dad that my car broke down a few times on the road, I'm sorry dad that you and mom couldn't come home to tend to the precious fires. Bullshit this is. On top of that dad had to get in on the action of letting stress out by saying his little pickup was dying as well and has no idea what to do etc. That has put me under stress as well. He's not talking to me nor being kind. Gee, I'm sorry this is all my fucking fault, why not just banish me to hell for your sins eh?
I feel worthless, I think the devil is getting to me. I know that times like this, call for BIG faith in God. I'm going to put my faith in God on this one, I just don't know how I'm going to deal with the emotional tourmoil. Like I said, I just wanna be shot dead.

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